that was quite an exercise to say not very much...

i'm not going to let the fact that it took me approximately eight minutes to find the link to my own blog discourage me from continuing to post. a lesser person would have quit looking after six minutes.

do you think i have a sticktoit-iveness problem? nevermind a making up my own words-iveness problem? we can discuss that later.

my last post was about weight loss i believe. i did lose weight. then i gained it back. now i have lost some again. a lot can happen when you only blog once every nine months.

what have i been up to besides yo-yo dieting, you wonder? if you really do wonder, by the way, i'm sorry that your life has taken such a dreadful turn.

i have heart disease likely brought on by a tag team of infection and pre-menopause. let me tell you, being 39 is flip dippin' fantastic! i feel like a spring chicken!

i still coupon shop, but it has been a slow winter and spring for deals at the grocery store. i have been forced back to my personal hell that is stop n' shop. they have had the best prices lately, although i do see that my former lover, shaw's, has been trying to win me back in recent weeks. i have taken a few tentative steps back to shaw's, but i don't know if i can trust them for the long haul, so i am being very cautious.

do you think i take grocery shopping a bit too personally?

there are no pictures...

of me.

i was going to try to post a series of before and after pictures so i could see how i look at weight loss milestones.

so much for that idea. there aren't any pictures of me anywhere.

maybe i don't exist.

you can only buy junk with coupons...

this is the "junk" i bought on sunday.

i purchased fresh fruit and produce, coffee, creamer, and cottage cheese with manufacturer coupons and catalinas from general mills and kraft. i earned the catalinas for buying primarily yogurt, shredded cheese, and capri sun waters for the kids' lunches. so also, a lot of what i would not call "junk."

i also bought (and i use that term loosely) garbage bags, toilet paper, tide, and nutri grain bars with manufacturer coupons, store coupons, and store rewards.

i had a wal-mart gift card and i wanted a rack for dog food and detergent. lo and behold, i found what i was looking for priced less than the gift card, so i did not have to spend MY money at wal-mart. don't get me started on wal-mart...

my total cash spent for all the items was pictured 71 cents. huh? yes. it was 71 cents. and i have about $10 in store rewards that were generated by me "buying" these things, so basically, i got paid to shop sunday. not bad for a bunch of junk.

10....9....8....

counting down until my head explodes.

not, really.

i lost some l.b.s this week and i am at 186 now. should be at 185 by weigh-in on saturday.

the treadmill is...well...keeping my head from exploding. nothing else is making sense right now.

fat kids. kids fat. the synopsis of my week.

what a week.

let's start by saying that i lost 2 pounds. i think i actually lost more than that, but by weigh-in today, i was carrying around some water weight. need i say more? i think you can figure it out.
i ate much better, took my vitamins every day, and exercised 4 times. so not bad. i hope to exercise at least 5 times next week, and maybe lose about 3 pounds. how are those for some concrete goals? i hope, and maybe...can you say commitment-phobe?

on to kids. well, one kid in particular. what can i say? i feel as though my eldest child was put on this earth to make me pay for every bad thing i've ever done. being her mother is by far the most difficult experience of my life. BY FAR. every day brings new, and even more exasperating, old challenges. rules? she spits on the stinkin' rules. responsibility? a sign of weakness. respect for others and their things? she tried it once, and she didn't like it.
she continually makes me shake my head in shock and wonder. i just can not imagine a person could be so obstinate across so many areas. yet, every day we start again. every day, i wonder what is "wrong" with her. and every day, i wonder what is wrong with me.
why can't i parent this child? why can't i reach her? there just aren't words for the overwhelming sense of failure i feel in this area. it hovers over the rest of my life.
pscychologists, doctors, teachers...they can sympathize, but that's about it. my family doesn't live nearby, and my friends have their hands full, too.
so, it's me against her. and she's kicking my ass.

the good, the bad, and the jiggly

one of my high school friends (hi lisa!) indicated recently that she is a serial blogger and that one of her blogs is her personal weight loss diary. that's what i thought i would start to do, also. i planned to start a new blog and make it private, but i think i'll just let it all hang out right here. i'm wild and crazy like that.

i started weight watchers (again) yesterday. the meeting leader is the same and she is really great. i'm going to try to let her help me this time, instead of deciding at my first plateau that i suck and i'm not worth the effort.

so....i weigh 192. that's a lot, but it's not my highest. i've always weighed a lot, and even when i'm a "decent" size, the number on the scale is still higher than one would guess. i think that's because i can not look healthy unless i have exercised regularly five or six days a week, so i have good muscle tone when i "look" healthy.

the trigger for my new beginning this time is that i just feel awful. i either sleep a lot, or can't sleep at all. i'm irritable. i'm foggy-brained. a lot of these issues can be traced back to a thyroid problem and depression; however, these problems become somewhat bearable when i'm at a healthier weight, while at my current weight, i kind of what to careen off a cliff.

my thyroid and depression meds seemed to have stalled out (ya think?), and since i'm not interested in trying new drugs and experimenting with side effects, i have decided that i have to follow the "thyroid diet" and try to feel better that way. coincidentally, much of the recommendations of the thyroid diet are pretty much in line with the recommendations of weight watchers. who knew? the diet isn't really a diet, but a way of living for the rest of your life to lessen the times that you just feel like shit.

so, yesterday was my first official day. i stayed within my points range and exercised. i did not get in all the lean protein and dairy that i should have, though. it has always been difficult to get those items in and stay within my points. i need to work on that. among other things. but we'll start with lean protein.

switching focus

hmmm. switching foci? not sure what the correct word is, but i am planning to blog less about shopping deals, and more about my psycho head.

part of the reason for the switch is that shaw's has decided to turn a profit instead of give away food constantly (effin' jerks. what nerve). also, i have about 20 bottles of body wash, kids' shampoo, toothpaste, umpteen razors, enough tampax to last a normal person until menopause. i'm decidely not normal, so my tampax stash might last me a year. i'll spare you the gorey details, but i'm sure you can imagine the grossosity. yeah, i made up a word. it's my blog. i got the power.

but the biggest reason for the switch is that i am exhausted. and grouchy. and blah. and sad a lot. that pretty much describes my whole life, but i am not willing to let it be the summary of my life. i need to get it all out, and as wife, mom, and working business owner, there isn't a lot of room for venting or outlets for blowing off life.

journaling is a small way to get it all out there so it rattles around in your head a bit less. i always journaled as a young person--i had all those padded blank books that the bookstores sell, at least they use to. i wonder if i still have any of them. i know i saved them for many years because they were so personal. i would be packing for a move to college or to my first home, or my second, and i would think i should just get rid of them. then i would read them, and i remember thinking that i just could not throw them out. what a betrayal to that poor girl who wrote them! her heart and soul were in them.

fast forward 15 years, and i do believe i probably tossed them. in my deadened state of mind, i'm sure i did. nothing really seems important to me anymore. certainly not anything having to do with ME.

i'm trying to switch that focus most of all, and give myself a little credit. we'll see how it goes.