simplify

today, i've been very busy. i shoppped, i treadmilled, i cleaned, i conquered. the kids are fed, pajammed, and will be far and away very soon. all is well.
except it isn't. i miss nana. driving into town today, i cried and cried with the missing of her.
i've felt it coming for a few days, though i'm not sure what it is about this week or this day that has me sadder than sad. maybe it's that i would have been doing a few errands for her today, and then visiting for a time, but not staying to sit nearly long enough.
i think often of the last time i sat with her. and how the room had been so full of her, and then how quickly it emptied.
i try to think more often about how she made her way in the world. alone a lot, stubborn, and proud. eager to say a kind word and offer a hand to help, and the first to offer harsh advice if that's what the situation called for.
simply. she lived simply. the fanciest thing about her was the china in her cupboard. i have it now. carefully displayed, with her favorite flower placed above, and a picture of her happy and smiling tucked behind that. i see her face every day. and yet, i ache with the missing of her.
i think of emily, who remembers playing with her, spending the night, laughter. and ryan, who insists that nana is still in the hospital -- i guess since heaven is a place too far away for a four year old to contemplate. and abby. abby who will never remember meeting nana.
that thought, quite simply, steals my breath.