there are no pictures...

of me.

i was going to try to post a series of before and after pictures so i could see how i look at weight loss milestones.

so much for that idea. there aren't any pictures of me anywhere.

maybe i don't exist.

you can only buy junk with coupons...

this is the "junk" i bought on sunday.

i purchased fresh fruit and produce, coffee, creamer, and cottage cheese with manufacturer coupons and catalinas from general mills and kraft. i earned the catalinas for buying primarily yogurt, shredded cheese, and capri sun waters for the kids' lunches. so also, a lot of what i would not call "junk."

i also bought (and i use that term loosely) garbage bags, toilet paper, tide, and nutri grain bars with manufacturer coupons, store coupons, and store rewards.

i had a wal-mart gift card and i wanted a rack for dog food and detergent. lo and behold, i found what i was looking for priced less than the gift card, so i did not have to spend MY money at wal-mart. don't get me started on wal-mart...

my total cash spent for all the items was pictured 71 cents. huh? yes. it was 71 cents. and i have about $10 in store rewards that were generated by me "buying" these things, so basically, i got paid to shop sunday. not bad for a bunch of junk.

10....9....8....

counting down until my head explodes.

not, really.

i lost some l.b.s this week and i am at 186 now. should be at 185 by weigh-in on saturday.

the treadmill is...well...keeping my head from exploding. nothing else is making sense right now.

fat kids. kids fat. the synopsis of my week.

what a week.

let's start by saying that i lost 2 pounds. i think i actually lost more than that, but by weigh-in today, i was carrying around some water weight. need i say more? i think you can figure it out.
i ate much better, took my vitamins every day, and exercised 4 times. so not bad. i hope to exercise at least 5 times next week, and maybe lose about 3 pounds. how are those for some concrete goals? i hope, and maybe...can you say commitment-phobe?

on to kids. well, one kid in particular. what can i say? i feel as though my eldest child was put on this earth to make me pay for every bad thing i've ever done. being her mother is by far the most difficult experience of my life. BY FAR. every day brings new, and even more exasperating, old challenges. rules? she spits on the stinkin' rules. responsibility? a sign of weakness. respect for others and their things? she tried it once, and she didn't like it.
she continually makes me shake my head in shock and wonder. i just can not imagine a person could be so obstinate across so many areas. yet, every day we start again. every day, i wonder what is "wrong" with her. and every day, i wonder what is wrong with me.
why can't i parent this child? why can't i reach her? there just aren't words for the overwhelming sense of failure i feel in this area. it hovers over the rest of my life.
pscychologists, doctors, teachers...they can sympathize, but that's about it. my family doesn't live nearby, and my friends have their hands full, too.
so, it's me against her. and she's kicking my ass.

the good, the bad, and the jiggly

one of my high school friends (hi lisa!) indicated recently that she is a serial blogger and that one of her blogs is her personal weight loss diary. that's what i thought i would start to do, also. i planned to start a new blog and make it private, but i think i'll just let it all hang out right here. i'm wild and crazy like that.

i started weight watchers (again) yesterday. the meeting leader is the same and she is really great. i'm going to try to let her help me this time, instead of deciding at my first plateau that i suck and i'm not worth the effort.

so....i weigh 192. that's a lot, but it's not my highest. i've always weighed a lot, and even when i'm a "decent" size, the number on the scale is still higher than one would guess. i think that's because i can not look healthy unless i have exercised regularly five or six days a week, so i have good muscle tone when i "look" healthy.

the trigger for my new beginning this time is that i just feel awful. i either sleep a lot, or can't sleep at all. i'm irritable. i'm foggy-brained. a lot of these issues can be traced back to a thyroid problem and depression; however, these problems become somewhat bearable when i'm at a healthier weight, while at my current weight, i kind of what to careen off a cliff.

my thyroid and depression meds seemed to have stalled out (ya think?), and since i'm not interested in trying new drugs and experimenting with side effects, i have decided that i have to follow the "thyroid diet" and try to feel better that way. coincidentally, much of the recommendations of the thyroid diet are pretty much in line with the recommendations of weight watchers. who knew? the diet isn't really a diet, but a way of living for the rest of your life to lessen the times that you just feel like shit.

so, yesterday was my first official day. i stayed within my points range and exercised. i did not get in all the lean protein and dairy that i should have, though. it has always been difficult to get those items in and stay within my points. i need to work on that. among other things. but we'll start with lean protein.

switching focus

hmmm. switching foci? not sure what the correct word is, but i am planning to blog less about shopping deals, and more about my psycho head.

part of the reason for the switch is that shaw's has decided to turn a profit instead of give away food constantly (effin' jerks. what nerve). also, i have about 20 bottles of body wash, kids' shampoo, toothpaste, umpteen razors, enough tampax to last a normal person until menopause. i'm decidely not normal, so my tampax stash might last me a year. i'll spare you the gorey details, but i'm sure you can imagine the grossosity. yeah, i made up a word. it's my blog. i got the power.

but the biggest reason for the switch is that i am exhausted. and grouchy. and blah. and sad a lot. that pretty much describes my whole life, but i am not willing to let it be the summary of my life. i need to get it all out, and as wife, mom, and working business owner, there isn't a lot of room for venting or outlets for blowing off life.

journaling is a small way to get it all out there so it rattles around in your head a bit less. i always journaled as a young person--i had all those padded blank books that the bookstores sell, at least they use to. i wonder if i still have any of them. i know i saved them for many years because they were so personal. i would be packing for a move to college or to my first home, or my second, and i would think i should just get rid of them. then i would read them, and i remember thinking that i just could not throw them out. what a betrayal to that poor girl who wrote them! her heart and soul were in them.

fast forward 15 years, and i do believe i probably tossed them. in my deadened state of mind, i'm sure i did. nothing really seems important to me anymore. certainly not anything having to do with ME.

i'm trying to switch that focus most of all, and give myself a little credit. we'll see how it goes.

cleanliness is next to Godliness...

the deals aren't cranking like they once were, but i did manage to hit it big today.

i spent a whopping $5.36 on all that you see, plus a little something chocolate that seems to have disappeared...

the kids shampoo was 3 for $5.00, and when you spend $10.00 on suave items at CVS this week, you earn $3 in extrabucks. i also had $1.00 off 3 coupons for these. the head and shoulders was $4.99, generated $2.00 in extrabucks, and i had a buy one get one free coupon.

the nutrigrain bars were 2 for $5.00. i had $1.00 coupons for each box, and i used the extrabucks from the suave transactions so i spent NOTHING on all four boxes. abby eats one of these bars every day, so she's good for a month! and that makes her a happy girl...

it's been a long time since rock 'n roll...

i've been plugging along clipping my monopoly money and scoring some deals. some really good deals, actually. but nothing wonderfully fantastic. and my best friend, shaw's, has been a real stingy jerk lately. hence, the lack of posts over the past two months. (well, that and life got a little crazy in that time period.)

today i ran out to do my cvs shopping for next week. (((did you know they start their sales on saturday nights? and that you can shop last week's and this week's deals in the same trip? so sweet of them!))) i also hit my nemesis, the dreaded stop 'n shop, or as i like to call it, stop 'n drop all your money. although, i may need to give them a new nick name, as they have impressed me with some decent deals lately.

my cvs run was as good a score as i've ever had there!
1st transaction:
1 razor at 9.97 less 4.00 coupon and 5 ECB
i spent 1.03 and earned another 5 ECB.

2nd transaction:
1 kellogg's frosted wheat at 3.33
3 packs cvs diapers on clearance at 2.49 each
2 nutrigrain bars at $3.33 each less 1.00 coupon
2 tampax pearl at 2.97 each less 2.00 coupons for each (so, .97 each)

after coupons, i spent .41

i used a $5 off $15 purchase, the 5 ECB from the 1st transaction, and 13 ECB's. i also earned 7 additional ECB's, AND the nutrigrain boxes have $10 worth of coupons for kellogg's products and fresh fruit (great coupons)!

stop 'n shop was the real success story, though:
3 clorox bleach at 3/$5 less 1.00 coupon
3 bags of pretzels at 2.50 less 1.10 coupons (so, 1.40 each)
2 boxes of honeycomb cereal at 1.67 each less 1.00 coupon (so, 1.17 each)

i spent 10.73. eh? what's so great about that? look closely at the honeycomb boxes. closer. see it? each box has a child's ticket for 6 flags inside. those suckers are worth 34.99 each, baby!

my kids have no idea what an awesome mother they have. no idea.

bathing suit shopping...

since it was a balmy 50 degrees a couple of times this week, i'm practically packing the beach bags. never mind that it's positively frigid today - i am in denial about that.

i lurve to buy the kids' new bathing suits and sandals. i can not adequately explain the joy it brings me. perhaps it's the promise of warm sunny days in the sand at silver beach that brings on the euphoria.

it also could be that kids' suits are so stinkin' cute.

maybe it's the navy shipping bag with the words "lands end" emblazened on it that makes me so happy. it has become somewhat of a ritual of mine to purchase sandals and suits from lands end every year. i can't explain it.

or maybe, the giddiness derives from just this:

it never gets old...

shaw's sales just keep getting better! there are no less than three big catalina deals going on now, and several smaller deals as well. add in a produce "pick 4" and corresponding coupons for guacamole (yee-um!), and i'm almost giddy. i love me a good deal!

i've been to shaw's a few times since friday, but here is the most recent trip, where my cash out amounts to a whopping $3.36:

2 capri sun (retail 2.99, sale 1.99 each)
2 dixie paper plates (retail 4.99, 3.89 each w/ coupon)
1 dixie napkins (retail 2.59, free w/ coupon)
2 tampax (retail 5.99, sale 2.50, 1.50 each w/ coupons)
4 crest spiderman toothpaste (retail 3.29, sale 2.29, 1.29 each w/ coupons)
4 crest kids toothpaste (retail 2.99, sale 2.29, 1.29 each w/ coupons) [donated 1]
2 toothbrushes (retail 2.99, sale 2.29, 1.15 each w/ B1G1 coupon)
1 wesson oil (retail 3.99, sale 2.99)
3 ketchups (retail 1.99, sale .79 each) [donated 1]
2 cocoas (retail 2.19 each) [donated 1)
1 dannon yogurt (retail 2.99, sale 2.29, 1.29 each w/ coupon)

TOTAL retail: 81.22
TOTAL sale price: 56.74
less clipped coupons: 18.38
less catalina coupons: 15.00
ORDER TOTAL: 23.36
Catalinas produced: 20.00
TOTAL: 3.36

not a bad morning's work. i'm almost done shopping this week, but i'll be heading back once more to stock up on kraft shredded cheese for .24 a bag...i can't resist!

i love food so much, i take pictures of it....

the well at shaw's has been VERY dry for the past few weeks. i didn't mind so much, as i had budgeted very little for groceries this month in an attempt to save some money for my big trip (yay!), and just to clear the cupboards a little for the next shaw's free-for-all. and boy, what a week this is adding up to be! my total cash spent on the items in this picture was $22.56. huh? did she say $22.56?

here's the breakdown with retail price each, then sale price, then price after coupons:

TRANSACTION 1: "the money maker"
this transaction generated $30.50 in catalina coupons, which i used in transaction 2.

6 kleenex (1.99, B1G1/.99, .83)
3 chex mix bars (3.49, 2.49, 1.49)
4 brownie mixes (2.89, 2.49, 1.74)
2 frosting tubs (2.19, 1.49, .49)
2 cake mixes (2.89, .99, .99)
4 ice cream (5.99, B1G1/2.99, 1.99)
6 fruit snacks (2.49, 2.49, 1.99)
6 frozen waffles (2.19, 1.49, 1.49)

TOTAL retail: 94.77
TOTAL sale price: 64.22
less clipped coupons: 22.00
less catalina coupons: 20.00
TOTAL SPENT: 22.22

TRANSACTION 2:
2 40 count tampax (5.99, 2.50, 1.50)
2 1/2 lbs bananas (1.68)
1 dozen eggs (2.19)
2+ pounds chicken (5.43)
2 bags baby carrots (2.00)
3 pounds beef (5.97)
1 iceberg lettuce (1.59)
4 pounds coffee (5.49, BIGI/2.75, 1.75)

TOTAL retail: 66.89
TOTAL sale price: 30.84
less catalina coupons: 30.50
TOTAL SPENT: .34

there you have it. nice and easy with a little help from my friends and the good folks at shaw's. stay tuned for more good deals next week...

chi-town!

i love it when a plan comes together! i am so looking forward to getting away to the windy city with the girls. of course, i wish we were going tomorrow. but the flight and the hotel are booked for april 30th, so i'll have to trudge through until then.

we have no definite game plan in place as of yet, but we're likely going to see a few sites, and laugh a whole lot.

i felt a bit guilty spending the money, but it will be SO worth it. and thanks to the fine folks at shaw's, i can save the cost of the trip in just a few months of grocery shopping. more on that later...

moot point.

i've finally just about had it. i'm 37, so i guess it's about time. tired of being a "yes-woman." so i finally said no.
i won't say it felt great, but it didn't feel bad, either.
after feeling very un-appreciated in a slapped-in-the-face kind of way, i separated myself from some folks. and only after doing so did i realize just how much their presence in my life had drained me. they were work. real work. i guess i didn't realize just how much i was doing for them until it became so blaringly obvious how little gratitude they had for my efforts. and how much they had come to expect my service, as though they had some sort of right to it. and how utterly shocked they were that i would dare say, "enough."
i'm no psychologist, but if you have to be reminded to be a decent, thankful, and appreciative person, then i'd say you've got issues.
actually, it kind of did feel great. buh-bye.

today's damage...

i love shaw's. it doesn't love me, but that's another post. today i spent a whopping $1.11 total on the following:

transaction 1:
6 quaker rice quakes in various flavors (retails for 1.99 each, on sale for $1 each)
1 finish quantum 15 pack (retails for 5.29, on sale for 4.39)
2 salsa chips (retails for 2.99 each, on sale for buy one, get one free)

total retail price: 23.21
total sale price: 13.38
total coupons: 13.50
6 x 1.50 for quakes (.75 coupons that doubled)
2 x 1.00 for salsa chips
1 x 2.50 for quantum

total out of pocket: -.12!!!! the quantum coupon reduced the tax owed, so i ended up making 12 cents on this deal!

transaction 2:
6 quaker rice quakes in various flavors (retails for 1.99 each, on sale for $1 each)
1 finish quantum 15 pack (retails for 5.29, on sale for 4.39)
6 thomas pez dispensers (retails for 1.49 each, on sale for .37)
x-mas clearance??

total retail price: 26.17
total sale price: 12.61
total coupons: 13.50
6 x 1.50 for quakes (.75 coupons that doubled)
1 x 2.50 for quantum

total out of pocket: 1.23

so there you have it! my kids love the quakes snacks, and peter even sort of likes the nacho flavored ones since he's on a diet. i think i'll end up eating the salsa chips if emily doesn't beat me to it. i run my dishwasher every day, so we always need the quantums. i'll save the pez dispensers to use as party favors for ryan's birthday.

all in all, i had a great shopping day. now if i can just stay away from the gap and old navy. they are both having a killer sale, but we really don't need any clothes, so even a good deal would be a waste of money.

happy shopping!

singin's not your thing, baby...

i'm cracking up watching american idol. how does a person not know he is that awful?! and they waited in line to get up there and make fools of themselves. wow.

abby and nana...

simplify

today, i've been very busy. i shoppped, i treadmilled, i cleaned, i conquered. the kids are fed, pajammed, and will be far and away very soon. all is well.
except it isn't. i miss nana. driving into town today, i cried and cried with the missing of her.
i've felt it coming for a few days, though i'm not sure what it is about this week or this day that has me sadder than sad. maybe it's that i would have been doing a few errands for her today, and then visiting for a time, but not staying to sit nearly long enough.
i think often of the last time i sat with her. and how the room had been so full of her, and then how quickly it emptied.
i try to think more often about how she made her way in the world. alone a lot, stubborn, and proud. eager to say a kind word and offer a hand to help, and the first to offer harsh advice if that's what the situation called for.
simply. she lived simply. the fanciest thing about her was the china in her cupboard. i have it now. carefully displayed, with her favorite flower placed above, and a picture of her happy and smiling tucked behind that. i see her face every day. and yet, i ache with the missing of her.
i think of emily, who remembers playing with her, spending the night, laughter. and ryan, who insists that nana is still in the hospital -- i guess since heaven is a place too far away for a four year old to contemplate. and abby. abby who will never remember meeting nana.
that thought, quite simply, steals my breath.

i love to shop!

so, thanks to many wonderful friends in cyberland, i have a hobby that actually affects our bottom line -- i am a coupon geek. there, i admit it. i love a deal, and if isn't on sale and i don't have a coupon for it, we ain't gettin' it. that's right, i said ain't.

my faves? shaw's and catalina deals. oh baby. and rite-aid rewards (but only because my husband's discount makes our out-of-pocket dirt cheap), and cvs extra bucks. having once slaved (um, worked) at cvs for a couple of years, the joy that comes from walking out of there with a bag full of free stuff almost brings me to tears.

anyhoo, i'm no expert by any means, but i'm quite pleased with my results. today especially. i spent $12.88 on everything pictured here (retail value is $104.43). in case you aren't impressed with the picture, perhaps a list with retail prices will convince you of my stunning achievement:

1 fiber one muffins (abby loves these) 4.49 for 4! what the heck?!
2 two packs of playtex insulated sippy cups 7.99 each
3 boxes of golden grahams 3.29 each
3 boxes of build a dino fruit snacks 2.50 each
2 boxes of mini fruit roll-ups 2.99 each
1 nature valley granola bars 3.49
4 nature valley nut clusters (yee-um!) 3.59 each
1 pedialyte 5.99
2 huggies diapers 11.99 each
2 12 count cottonelle ultra double rolls 8.69 each

fantastic, no? validate me, please! i need your approval!

they're driving me insane.

that's all. i haven't posted in a long, long while because i just sat down. yep, since last year, this is just about the first time i sat down. it feels like it anyway.